The Phone Hacking inquiry: Time for Judge Judy!

According to the Daily Telegraph, “celebrities, crime victims and others who have allegedly had their phones hacked” by journalists or agents acting for them should be filmed live if they give evidence to the inquiry into the “scandal”.

This is the idea of Lord Justice Leveson, who says he plans to have the proceedings televised.

Among the A-list witnesses are Sienna Miller, the actress whose films no-one in their right mind remembers, Hugh Grant, the well-known fellationado, J K Rowling, the author of well-known novels who wrote them in a caff or some-such (I never get much beyond that bit in profiles about her) and former Formula 1 boss Oswald Mosley, who I thought died years ago.

I’m not sure I’m in favour of this televised proceedings business, because I don’t think we do it well. Think of the Murdoch-Shaving-foam-pie-in-the-face incident. The camera angles were all wrong, the Wendy-wallop all happened in the bottom left of the screen from a reverse angle, the focus-puller had loaded the wrong lens, the wrangler was obviously off having a wrangle of his own and God knows where the best boy was.

But I guess Lord Justice Leveson wants to get down wi’ the kids and in with this YouTube action. Why he should want to do this, I don’t know, although I suspect he’s annoyed his application to Strictly Come Dancing was turned down. But I would warn him against such folly, even if his heart is broken at not getting the chance to cha-cha-cha with Edwina Currie.

If you want a showbiz show trial, you need a showbiz judge. Sorry, m’lud, you are not a showbiz judge:

The dishy Lord Justice Leveson (Credit: PA)

Now here’s a showbiz judge:

Baloney!!!

Can you imagine how much better the hacking inquiry would be if Judge Judith Sheindlin was in charge? After all, as my learned Lord has readily admitted, the whole thing is a media circus, so why not get a consummate media ringmaster (and one with legal nous to boot) to crack the whip?

“Miss Miller, if you don’ shaddup I’ll wipe the floor with yer! We follow each other?”

“Be quiet, Mr Murdoch! Are you listenin’ to me? No, you listen to me!”

“Mr Grant: beauty fades, dumb is forever!”

“Umm is not an answer!”

“Baloney!”

In Hollywood, there’s only one newspaper…

…and in something reminiscent of Groundhog Day, they all read it again and again and again:

I read the news today, oh boy: Again and again and again

Slashfilm.com has picked up on the mysterious recurring newspaper which keeps popping up in movies and TV shows.

And no, I don’t know who the girl in the photo is, but she’s probably doing OK out of the royalties.