How to make a dead duck fly: A guide for the Media
- Take a dead duck. (If not dead, make sure it’s half-strangled.)
- Throw in air, with all your might.
- Say: “Look, it flies!” Commentators will remark that duck “has legs”.
- Take potshot. Take all the potshots while you can. If you find your aim is wrong, bring in Max. He knows what to do (cos you don’t).
- Sit back and enjoy while your mates and fellow travellers take potshots at duck.Think it strange that duck appears to fly backwards.
- Bask in glory while dead duck is carved up and dished out. Ignore fact that it seems to be all bone and feathers.
- Moan because you didn’t get your fair share of dead duck. Spit out feathers, bones etc.
- RSPCA Nazi-agents knock down your front door and invade your home (which legally they are allowed to do) because you have violated a dead duck’s “rights”.
- So when are visiting hours? I’ve got that Johann Hari coming to intellectually profile me!